I so distinctly recall the year it all finally fell away, the Christmas traditions of my childhood...
The difficulties that this time of year can bring up can be prevalent & felt by so many, myself included. Many avoid choosing to delve into the reasons behind why, and many avoid trying to understand these struggles others experience. And so I felt compelled to share my experience, and maybe something will resonate & help, just to know you are not on your own with this.
I so distinctly recall the year it all finally fell away, the Christmas traditions of my broken childhood...It was 2018.
I had always fought a silent & then not so silent battle deep within myself around this time of year. As a child the presents took over this celebration, as they do for most children & I felt similar to everyone else for a time, only knowing I never really did.
There had always been such a fuss made of what we were to wear as children…where we were to go, who we were to be with...with Mum one year…then Dad the other…then back to Mum & so on & so forth. I felt like a proverbial xmas pudding being passed around & not an actual human.
The sad truth behind this, was that it was to facilitate my mother spending time with the man who abused me - she said she pitied him being alone. Some of the fondest xmas day memories I do have as a child were spent with my Dad & his long term partner Olwyn, as that was what we mostly did.
I remember my first xmas with Andrew - my husband. We had lived together for about 5 months at that time in our first cosy home together, and we weren’t married - yet! I chose to stay in my dressing gown for the whole day! There was no make-up applied. I didn’t get dressed out of my PJ’s & no clothes were donned. My day, my way!
This was the first year that I was free from living at a parental home so I felt I had the perfect excuse to spend it in our first home, not visiting anyone, not feeling that that proverbial xmas pudding & for us to do whatever we liked!
I was happy to welcome visitors though, one of which was my mother, with my sister & grandfather. I remember her now raising an eyebrow & making a statement about my choice of clothing. I just let it wash over me - what was she going to do send me to my room!
I had generally put my feelings around this seasonal holiday down to being from a divorced home & being passed between houses & parents amongst the festive days, and so it was for these reasons that I came to hate it, or so I thought...
February 2018 started with my first trip to Glastonbury & a deep inner calling. It was from here that things began to change. The way I saw the world began to change & mostly how I saw myself & my life began to change. Since then, that year & every year since has saturated me with learning, remembering, seeking & searching, with the absolute insatiable need to know, to learn & to be more.
One of the most surprising & lovely parts of that has been around this festive time of year.
2018 was the first year we did not celebrate Christmas. We (my husband & I) chose, to celebrate our first ever Winter Solstice. This began with my discovery that a lot of the Christian tradition I felt forced to partake in as a child & then got swept along in, never really resonated with me in the first place. I discovered that the traditions were all adaptations & appropriations of the old ways. The traditions of Mother Earth & her intuitive cycles, of days gone by. They were the traditions of Pagans, of Wiccans & Celts.
As we welcomed early December that year, I went about making my first door wreath. We made our first Yule logs - and just to break the silence, Yule logs have nothing to do with chocolate covered cake! It is classically made form a foraged log - something found in nature as opposed to the cake aisle at Tesco! In the UK Oak is typical, in Scotland Birch, whilst in France its Cherry wood. It can literally be any wood you feel or resonate with the symbolism of.
We happened upon our logs near a colossal ancient fallen Oak tree, whilst in Lancashire in a place massively linked to the witch trials of centuries past. We had been going for years, only this year did it drop that there was a link. So we picked our Oak pieces from the floor & gave thanks. Once dried, we went about dressing our logs with festive sprigs & writings, sharing our thanks for the year gone & our hopes for the year to come. Tucking them into each side of the logs, one side for the past & one for the new year to come. These chubby, decorated little logs sat, adorned with a candles in our lounge & were lit most nights until Solstice awaiting their ceremonial lighting & burning.
The day before solstice we made mulled apple juice, prepared our first own ‘meat free’ feast, oh & we ate on trays on our knees! The previous year, I strongly recall forcing ourselves to lay a table & sitting opposite each other as we are all taught & expected to. I also remember me breaking down in tears at how incongruent & false it all felt. Andrew agreed. So this year we honoured ourselves & our feelings & ate on trays in our cosy lounge with our decorated tree, illuminated Yule logs & what felt like a million fairy lights around us - it felt completely perfect!
On solstice day, we meditated, which lead to our solstice ceremony turning into a kind of flower crystal mandala creation ceremony. It just felt right and so it transpired.
In embracing and celebrating a kinder way of being & honouring the true nature of this time of year, I can honestly say I felt the most settled with this celebration than I ever have in my life.
I thank myself for showing up to that retreat on that bright & sunny February weekend back in 2018.
I thank myself for being brave enough to know I had to go even though I had ever met anyone on the retreat before, apart from the Yoga teacher running it.
I thank a deep part of me for showing up that day & everyday since.
I thank myself for listening with questioning curiosity.
I have so much thanks for all that has been & all that is yet to come.
May this inspire & ignite within you a different kind of light to find your own way, whatever that might look like for you.
May your intentions & manifestations for your future festivities be blessed with the true & sacred energy of this cycle.
May you find it within yourself to help re-illuminate the dimmed light & identity of this is beautiful season that has been lost these past few millennia.
Seasons Blessing & Festive Love
Emma