The Message…

I saw a robin today - the first one in a while. A little reminder of the path I’m meant to be walking, or should I say writing.

That first day, many months ago as I felt helpless & directionless, that’s when I asked for a universal sign to show me that I was on the right path. That was the first time the robin came into my mind’s eye - as clear as day & then started to appear in my life. They were nestled on branches whilst I walked and they popped up on posts people had put up on social media. It was strange. 

Today was the first time I had seen the robin in what felt like a really long while. Or maybe I had, I just wasn’t ready for the confirmation of their message. 

He teased me at first, not confirming what he was, but my inquisitive eye was clearly drawn to him. As the thoughts played out in my head about what my next move should be regarding my work, I wondered if he was a timely reminder.

He disappeared momentarily only to reappear & dance in the slightly too tall, wet, deep grass clearly identifying his red chest to me & in that, the message I needed to hear the most. 

The message that had terrified me & still never fails to make my heart race still as I write this. The message that I poured my heart & soul into over three months this summer whilst I wrote the proposal for my book. The message I had been so, so scared to return to after the arduous journey it took me on during those three months. The message to write. That’s all I kept hearing deep inside me, to write, to write, to write…

The thing that both terrifies & excites me in equal measure, after delving so deeply into my own history & through that journey I both gained & lost so much simultaneously. 

I wasn't sure If I would ever be able to do it again, or if I would even want to. 

And yet here I find myself again, my body literally pulsing & tingling with emotion. My eyes filled with tears. Terrified, but with a fully guided heart - writing.

After all the excuses of not having enough time to write. After all the running away from the fear of writing. It kept coming up. No matter how hard I pushed it down. The words that begged to be written & ideas kept flooding my thoughts. On dog walks they kept coming. In conversations with friends they kept coming. I would feel the strength of the message to write rising in my belly & announcing itself at my heart. 

I had done all I possibly could to ignore these feelings. I had exhausted all the chores 

in my house, done charity shops runs, gone through most of my house to declutter, fully stocked the freezer with home cooked meals for what felt like the next 3 years. I had gotten on-top of all admin tasks, even put my clean clothes away (I hate putting my clothes away!). 

Even then, as I looked for more things to do. There were no more things. Nothing to fill my time with to avoid doing the one thing that had ignited a passion in me greater than any I can remember - And yet I still ignored it.

The strength of the messages began to magnify & just kept on coming until it began to feel like a gripping overwhelm with a side order of anxiety, but only because I was still ignoring it. 

This burning need & desire polarised me.  And so I find myself - here, doing the very thing that both terrifies & excites me in equal measure & sometimes one wins & sometimes the other does & it literally paralyses me. It has for 3 months, until today. Willing for some guidance on what my next move should be & all the time knowing it is to write. We always know.

So where am I going with this. To be truly honest I haven’t actually got a clue, but they're the best times right!? So for now I guess I’m saying in the words of Roxette: “listen to your heart”.

I guess by sharing this with you means that I did - I’ve faced that fear, I've taken its power & therefore my own back. I have truly & deeply listened to what I already knew & in writing this I have answered the call of my heart, no matter how much that vulnerability still scares me.  

The next biggest thing I am running from is sending my fully written book proposal to publishers &/or agents. 

Why? 

In case I get rejected…

I case they don't think I’m good enough…

If it doesn’t get picked up…

( insert other excuses here)

I know I’m not alone in these feelings. Do any of them mean any of those things though, or is that just how we perceive them based on our own life experiences & often is it not all just matter of timing!?

I realised that whilst I’m doing nothing I can’t get rejected, of course I’m protected from that, but I’m also sitting in this no-mans-land of nothingness. Hoping & willing & nothingness. So, I may as well try right!?

Rather than sitting in the nothingness, the ‘waiting for someone to hand me something’ without them even knowing I want it, without throwing my hat in the ring & saying me, me, consider me!

Thats crazy right!?

So, that’s what my next step is - to push my self so far out of my comfort zone, so far into vulnerability & say THIS IS ME. 

I don't think this was ever summed up better than by Theodore Roosevelt, so I shall leave you with his words & just a few of my own:

"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat."

My greatest Hope…

My greatest Hope…is that you listen to that knowing deep inside.

My greatest Hope…is that you run towards that thing that scares you the most.

My greatest Hope…is that you let your heart guide you to your deepest longing.

My greatest Hope…is that your dreams are so big they scare you.

My greatest Hope…is that you make space to listen to the messages.

Sat Nam